my enthusiasm was real...

            When I talked to Larry on Sunday I was being genuinely enthusiastic about the possible formation of a new band...now it's 24+ hours later and I haven't heard anything back from him...*I* find that to be a bit weird...but maybe that's just me...Maybe Larry is more laid back or something...or he's having second thoughts...

            No, I heard from him...we're on for next Monday...knowing that he's apparently still interested has elevated my mood a bit...but I'm still...lonely, or horny or something...I'm no scientist, but I suspect that sexual frustration is is not purely a physical condition...surely there's an emotional aspect to it...

         I'm still working on staying away from FB; but it's hard to give it up...aside from the vitriol,  I don't like seeing gig notices for a band I should be in...I dunno what Larry has in mind, but I can't wait to get started...I might see him at the Gazebo Jam on Sunday...I never know when/if he's gonna be there...It feels like he genuinely respects my musicianship...maybe that shouldn't be important to me, but it is...it's one thing to think yer good at something, but it's nice to have that idea confirmed...

that's got to be a first...

    ...but maybe it's not; I'm not (yet?) excited about having a gig with the Combustibles tonight. nervous? yeah a little...If I didn't have a gig, I'd go see/hear somebody, but not any of my so-called friends' bands...few of my so-called friends are gonna come to see us...I should be used to that by now...
        THE NEXT DAY--Actually, in addition to the people who came to see us, there was a crowd of folks on the restaurant side celebrating someone's birthday...some of them stayed awhile...
          A woman I know shot a bunch of vids...we weren't quite as bad as I thought we'd be...Last Thursday at the OTWC open mic I found myself sitting in with a couple of guys that I know casually, Todd and Larry...I got a text from Larry asking me to call him...so I did; he seems to want to find out if he Todd and I can be the nucleus of a band...the idea excites me, even though I have no idea what the proposed band's Musical identity will be...I THINK it's gonna be some of Larry's originals in combination with "reimagined" covers...I DID say I wanted to find a new neighborhood to hang out in and/or new people to hang out with...it turns out Larry and I have a lot of mutual friends--almost 100 of them...

some friends

        One of my so called friends gave me a copy of her latest CD...I can't help but wonder why she didn't ask ME to play or sing on it...was she afraid I would wanna get paid? Maybe I'm NOT as talented as people sometimes tell me I am...
         I think it's time to find some new friends...most of mine seem to be fairly hypocritical...I can be too, I know that much...but I try not to rave about someone to their face one minute then trash them behind their back the next...in fact, I, like most Humans, probably have been less than flattering with regard to some people, behind their back...but I didn't turn around and call them a genius to their face either...
            I kinda spilled my guts to a friend a bit last night; dunno if that's gonna change anything...for all I know, it might have made things worse...some of the spilling was aimed at Stoney, while at the same time referring namelessly TO Stoney...my guess is he doesn't remember that...I even expressed the idea that *I* have Music in me as well, no more, but no less than any of my so-called friends...I do kinda wonder how much it cost Michelle to make her new EP...the packaging is not (IMO) low budget...
                   I hope I can be at least a little upbeat tomorrow night...it won't be easy...a long time ago, someone told me "If you ACT enthusiastic, you'll BE enthusiastic"...There is also the idea that we should "fake it 'til ya make it"--gonna TRY, but I make no guarantees...
          It may be pathetic, but I'm listening to my rather ancient demos, collectively packaged as BETTER OFF ALONE? I'm STILL proud of 'em...
    For the second time that I’m aware of, 3/4 of the Deerwood Dog are having a reunion--without me...that’s kind of the last straw… I’m done with Facebook; of course I’ve said that a dozen times before… This time I think it’s going to stick…the next band I go see might be a band I've never seen before...maybe even at a venue I've never been to before...
                   I wonder how long it will take before anyone notices I'm not on FB...my guess is a week, if not longer...this is probably the first time in a LONG time that I kinda wish the gig would get canceled...if I'm only coming home with $60 bucks it's ALMOST not worth all this anxiety...
              If Barry were to tell me that he doesn't care what we sound like, I would believe him...if he were to tell me that we sound as good as most other bands in our neighborhood, I would assume his hearing is flawed, quite a bit...if he were to tell me not to worry, the audience is tone deaf, I would really worry...

bust MY ass? why?

         I need to learn what I THINK is a guitar part in one of the songs the Combustibles play...I came up with something that is pretty close...that's good enough as far as *I* am concerned...if everybody else is gonna "take liberties" why shouldn't I? And while I had the guitar in my hand, I figured I'd try to tighten up the solo in CRUEL TO BE KIND, not that anyone has ever said anything about how badly I've sometimes played it...and THAT depends on how fast we play the song...so I'm trying to learn the solo (hopefully) faster than we'll ever play it...
        As for tonight, I'm getting nervous...not excited, just nervous...
        So I just got home from the open mic...I must be good at something--lotsa people wanted me to play alongside them...and I got a bunch of compliments, from Musicians mostly...the Combustibles weren't as bad as I thought we were gonna be...but we weren't as good as I want us to be...I hope to be in bed about 40 minutes from now...

it's not easy...

      being invisibly talented...I just watched yet another video of that band *I* should be in...they're not quite playing that Neil Young correctly, and that's NOT an opinion...If a band wants to be loose with the songs' arrangements, that's FINE...but then don't act like yer playing it perfectly...

          I'm gonna be Musically active for the next couple of days...not looking forward to any of it...there's no audience at rehearsal and there won't be many people at the gig...but the OTWC on most Thursdays can be rather crowded--nervous about THAT...I'm gonna try REALLY hard to stay silent at practice, no matter how much we suck...the only thing I'm excited about is being able to drive myself to the gig...

some new friends, maybe...

              MONDAY 4/16/18  8AM--Once I was able to relax, I enjoyed my visit to the Villain & Saint in Bethesda, which hosts a Grateful Dead jam every Sunday, starting at about three o'clock...maybe I've found a new place to hang out occasionally...we'll see...
           As bad as my guitar playing may have been, I got a fair amount of compliments...I'm most proud of the vocal part I contributed to one of the (Grateful Dead) songs, frankly, it was perfect...
           10:16PM--maybe I'll give up the B72 open mic and start going to Bethesda instead...although it's not often that the roomie goes off alone and does stuff on Sundays...I still feel like I'm being ostracized...or, as I've speculated before, I'm not as talented as I think I am...nah, that's not it, ha ha...if it's not my looks, then what IS it? If I remember correctly, there is ONE instance of me being notoriously unreliable...and that breach of etiquette went thru the local grapevine...I THINK the person(s) I may have screwed over are still speaking to me...
                       

is that jealousy on my part?

           Is it wrong for me to want to be better known as a Musician? or...am I fooling myself thinking that I'm pretty damn good and should be in a really good band, gigging more often? Nobody seems to want me as a guitarist, maybe subconsciously that's why I've started thinking about playing Bass...
               There is one Band specifically I feel left out of--Danger Bird, a Neil Young tribute band led by the bass player for the Crimestoppers...Sometimes (like now) I wonder why I wasn't asked...Am I an asshole? I don't think so, at least not all that often...certainly no more than the average person...
               I think it's because I'm unattractive...and one reason for THAT, in my opinion, is my posture...60+ years of slouching has caught up with me...
          A FEW MINUTES LATER--I was deliberately on FB, but I completely totally by accident stumbled on a ghost from my past...The last time we were in the same room, about four years ago--after having been separated for about thirty years, was NOT a heartwarming experience...and that was all MY fault...Shelley haunts me almost as much as DLH does--and that's a hell of a lot...
            I really wanna learn how to BE HERE NOW,  but I enjoy trips down Memory Lane--most of the time...

and that makes me a bad person

       I went out tonight to an open mic...Ethan was there too. I dunno how he got there, but I assumed I would be taking him home...except that I packed up my stuff and split as fast as I could...I don't feel guilty about it--yet...I've taken him home twice before--both times I was not all that comfortable...actually, the second time he was talking to someone on his cell phone for the whole ride...I kinda liked that...

progress feels good

       
       I spent about two hours working with my BR-1180CD...and I have approximately ONE MINUTE of Music to show for it...but I feel pretty good about that one minute... On the other hand, the 1180 is way way way WAY more complex than I initially believed...and THAT is pretty damn complex...but frankly, I don't wanna lose this feeling of accomplishment, so it's probably a good idea to stay home tonight because open mics can be unpleasant experiences...
       
           
             

Be Here Now

            I'm gonna try to remember these three words:BE HERE NOW...Some reminiscing is OK...although  trying to put an old band back together may NOT be such a good idea...as part of the process of being here now, I deleted the cyber-diary that I have been keeping for more than five years...

         I feel like (once I've warmed up) I'm one of the best UNKNOWN guitarists in my neighborhood; and yet when I AM complimented on my ability, I tend to wonder if I'M the one being played...a hell of a dilemma, ain't it? I try to be gentle but honest when someone asks my opinion of their Musical ability, even when I'm less than knocked out by what I’m hearing...

nowhere else to go

          After spending a day or so at a social media website I used to use regularly about three years ago, I started to feel like it IS closed down...I liked being able to use comic sans to write in...oh well...I have a place to record my activities; what I do, where I go, etc. But I don't exactly have a place for my feelings...maybe this can be that place...and if I just wanna sound off about something (and possibly share it) this might be the place to do that...I just have to be very VERY careful...I can't/shouldn't disparage people publicly...but everybody says not-so-nice things about everybody else--that's Human Nature...
             As far as I can tell, I CAN share any one of these posts to Facebook and/or Twitter if I wanna...That's good to know, I guess...unless sharing any of them provides a link to the rest of them, which could get me in a LOT of trouble...In reality, I've said some not-so-nice things about various people before...I wonder if they ever found out; I suppose that's possible, but I haven't had anybody call me on it, at least, not yet...