FRIDAY 5/14/21 5PM--so today I got a message from Ray saying "You can take a few days off until the LCB reunion. The folks that are doing the show with me on the 23rd are going to play together as much as we can between now and then." I'm pretty sure he means Tish and "Johnny V"...why he felt it necessary to keep their identities from me is a mystery...The secrecy is what bothers me...Maybe he's not quite the changed man I thought he was...Maybe he forgot that I plan to be there on the 23rd; whoever's playing with him, I'll find out then...weird...He doesn't know that I was gonna take a few days off anyhow... Maybe Ray thought less of my guitar playing than he indicated...that seems likely, *I* didn't think it was that great... SATURDAY 5/15/21 10:15AM--Ray mentioned this evening's Killarney House gig on Fakebook..."It's gonna be a big time!!" To which Gary (Bass player) added "It's gonna be huge..." It's feels so good to be remembered (sarcasm).I'm seriously considering NOT going to his show at the Ram's Head...and the LCB reunion definitely doesn't excite me anymore...see, he hasn't changed all THAT much... 4:46PM--I suddenly really wanna go to Ray's gig tonight...but I won't...I don't wanna seem pathetic to anybody, even though I AM pathetic...nonetheless it hurts to feel like I'm being excluded...the show goes from 7-11 which leads me to think it will be inside...I think it will be crowded enough "onstage" if I DON'T go...Ray doesn't need TWO lead guitarists (Vengrouskie and me) and my harmony parts would likely be buried by whoever else would be singing onstage...I wouldn't drive that far just to be shoved into the background...maybe that sounds like Ego, but I don't care...fuckit, I'll stay home, if nothing else I'll save gas... 6:49PM--I think I'm gonna "retire" again...I'm OK with that...peoples' feelings get hurt all the time, right? I think the LCB reunion will be my last show, for the foreseeable future anyway... It's really REALLY REALLY depressing to think about how much time I've wasted, thinking I had friends...how much time I've wasted playing Music in Montgomery County...sometimes I wonder what woulda happened to me had I stayed in Glen Burnie...without Dianne in my Life, I'd probably be dead by now...just another suicide.... 9PM--sooo tempted to announce my final (?) retirement on Fakebook, then I remember--no one cares...the (not exactly) LCB reunion is next Saturday...I wish it was behind me already... 11PM--I guess Ray's Saturday night gig at Killarney House is over--maybe, once he gets going, he's hard to stop... MONDAY 5/17/21 8;35PM--mosly because I'm having a medical procedure performed on Monday morning, I'm NOT going to Annapolis to see Ray on Sunday evening/night...he can keep the money, he allegedly needs it rather badly...Carolyn is scheduled to be there...that may actually be another reason NOT to go, as in what would be the point, right?...telling Ray I won't be there will be really hard...he just announced the (almost) LCB Reunion on Fakebook...I guess I'll tell him at that show...
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